One message I discovered during my meditation is the status of children in a family.
The Only Child!
About 20 percent of families would have only one child from studies done in India. That child grows up in the family as a 'loner' having to search for 'sibling substitutes' elsewhere. An only child whether a boy or a girl would receive focussed attention from parents, sometimes pressured to conform to parental expectations.
Boys by nature of being freelancers find the strands of formation from different experiences which they seek after. A girl by virtue of being protected by parental watchful eyes does not necessarily get the freedom to be exploratory in relationships and pursuit of interests which the family considers as good enough. The single child is without a companion at home. He or she would feel undefended when the parents are forceful on him or her. The desire to conform to what parents or teachers expect grows within them as a counter voice otherwise would earn them disapproval.
A Single child can be suffering for want of space and voice in the crowded and opinionated extended family. Most children do well and pursue opportunities in life with a resolve. Later in the post adolescent years, they would want to cut the umbilical cord of control of parents and pursue freedom to choose life style and personal practices. It is here conflict of interests would arouse the hidden resentment towards the imposing parental style and a young adult would gravitate to choose to live his or her way.
Single children would often want to make choice of life partner by themselves. They choose their profession or jobs to suit them and not in inconformity to what is told to them by parents. A single child lives with a sense of obligation to take care of ageing parents. I am not sure if they do it willingly or due to a compulsion. If a single child were to feel the pressure to migrate to other countries but restrained by the needs of ageing parents, the situation does not turn out to be easy for the couple or his or her parents. A daughter after marriage is obligated to her husband's people in some cultures; in which case a daughter would feel helpless in being of some support to her own parents.
I have a fascination to study this situation and have formed some impressions of the trends that exist now.
The First Child
The parental aspirations get fulfilled when the first child arrives. There are many competitors to take care of the first child. The grand parents from both sides impose demands, suggestions and directions for upbuilding a newly arrived child. I have a suspicion that it is the aspirations of the parents or grandparents which dominate the care circle of a child and not necessarily the different gentle requirements to promote the wellness of a child. It is one situation, when I observe traditions taking precedence over the reasonable golden rules of child care.
A child grows up experiencing the fullness of a home and its environment. If father and mother work outside the home the child from six months onwards gets delegated to the care of others, which is a great disservice to a child. Even the government rules give the option of a mother to be available for one year to help a child through infancy. Later in the toddler years, the child is in quick transition to play school, by which time the child is not yet ready to spend four hours or more outside the home.
A child gets shared between a home and a play group. A child might feel displaced and yet not being able to express. The odd behaviours of children at this period in life might be a symptom of fear, sense of separation or displacement or anguish. A child getting up and crying at night without reason is another symptom of an early state of anxiety in a child who is facing too many transitions.
Th growing up years for the first child can be easy as he or she gets attention and adoration. But soon this is going to be different with the news of the arrival of the next child. This happens in most home when the first child is between two and three years, when the child is already facing the displacement experience to the school.
Most parents are at a loss as to how they break the news of the expectation of the arrival of the next child to their first child, so this does not get done till the first child, seeing the baby bump in mother's abdomen asks an embarrassing question, 'What is it mama'! Here again most parents fumble in telling the story the way a toddler might understand.
A mother who was sensitive to include her first child in the preparation for the arrival of the second child told me that she took extra time every time to be with her toddler daughter to help her emotionally to prepare her to be warm towards her sibling even before he or she was born. A year later after her sibling brother arrived, the mother told me that her preparation helped and that there was warm and communicative ties between them.
The first two years of the life of siblings matter a lot. The first child ought to feel anchored in steadfast acceptance and the second child ought to feel affirmed unconditionally. It is here the role of co-parenting takes a new dimension, with both parents getting involved in the lives of both children in a way that both children feel the nearness to their parents.
I feel tired of listening to the stories of 'sibling rivalry' as it is misnomer to me. The relational adjustments the siblings go through are often the means for better bonding. When there are concerns about serious impairments between siblings, it is more often due to parental insensitivity or partiality or forceful responses.
Let me defer to elaborate on this later.
The Second child
The order of birth of a child is often seen in a hierarchical way in some cultures. The enforcement of calling an elder brother or sister other than by their names only reinforces this false privilege the older children claim to have in a home. All children are equal and the best way to affirm that is by allowing children in a home to call each other by name. The true respect for each other rests in regardful attitude rather than in some false piety some cultures attribute to the elder children, by calling them differently due to cultural compulsions.
A second child grows up having to respect the older siblings in a way that is enforced, rather than being made to evolve naturally. Why is that a younger child grabs a toy from an older child and runs away! It is his or her way of reacting to the unpleasantness he or she harbours for having been forced to 'respect' an older sibling more than he or she rightfully deserves to be respected.
A second child takes time to be a companion to the older sibling. A second child listens to conversations at home earlier than he or she is mature enough to hear and process them. A second child observes the way parents treat and regard the older child. A second child is a follower of the interests of an older sibling.
Parents inadvertently allows an older child to have his her interests attended to, leaving the younger child to play with left over and old toys. A younger child might have to wait more than an older sibling to get his or her interests noticed. No wonder, a second child is often louder, insistent or demanding. The parents, an older sibling and sometimes others make the second child to be like that.
Is it not common for public statements of comparison of 'how comfortable it was to bring up the first child and how difficult it is with the second child.' Teachers tell a second child that 'your older brother was better behaved in class'!
Let me agonise with a second child, who is left to the loose talk of defaming and discouragement.
A second child in most homes is temperamentally different, but distinguishable by originality, creativity and innovative spirit. There is a need to promote these features by affirming their efforts although it might call for patient understanding of a second child. Parents need to defend a second child and promote the trend of originality he or she intends to pursue!
The Only Child, the First Child, and the Second Child need greater study and observations. I shall return to it shortly!
M.C.Mathew (text and photo)
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