A Meal time!

One of the difficult times for parents is to get a two year old child to get to sit in one place and feed himself or herself. Most parents resort to make them watch TV or mobile phone while been forced to eat. They eat with no awareness of the texture, flavour, odour and consistency of food. They eat unaware of the movements of lips, tongue, throat and all the movements associated with swallowing. Eating becomes a passive activity just as watching the TV.

A better way to get a toddler to start into a good way of eating food is by helping a child to be at the family table form about a year when a child is able to sit unsupported. It is the sight, colour, flavour and the seeing others eat which forms the first impression for. toddler to want to taste all that are served on the table. All children seek for food when they are hungry. Reserve offering food while at table along with others. Even when a snack has to be offered it is best done with a child sitting on a high chair at the dining table. The high chair, table, meal time rituals and patience to introduce food to a child would make a child want to be at the table to share a meal. There might be exceptions with soem children on account of tier special situations developmentally.

The habit of having the family meal with TV or audio on ought to be replaced with conversations which children can enjoy. Often what children are happy to hear are about things that happen in and around the house. I am of the opinion that conversation pertaining to the adult's world ought to take place elsewhere and not at the family table. Some parents woeful even read s tory at the end of a meal to close the family meal with good thoughts fo ra child to stay with. 

The food fads which children develop are directly relational to the proclamations that adult make about the food he or she likes or avoids. The conversation about the taste of rtes food or anything physical about the food is a bad introduction or example to children. It is not just the taste which determines the quality of food; so why talk about taste and complain about what is less or more in the cooked food, which is an ungraceful way of making the one who cooked food feel disappointed or hurt. 

Children observe and pick up habits adults practice. A table is apace to honour each other and not to criticise anyone or make others as the agenda of conversation. 

A child told me that he does not like ice cream because his father did not eat ice cream. Le tis remember that meal times are habit forming; meal time conversations influence the thought process of children; and meal time can be an endearing time between members of the family. 

Food times are relational times and are most formative for children in the early years of their lives. 

Let su make it that way.

The Sunbird in the photos above find nectar! Children too would come to the table to find their food, if the memory of the meal times is refreshing and enjoyable!

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

The twins at birth and thereafter!

The majority of children are born as single. 

There is an increase in the number of twin pregnancies. 

Most families would be aware of the twin pregnancies, thanks to the foetal ultrasound done in the third month or earlier months of pregnancy.

There are some differences  that a mother would experience in a twin pregnancy. Often they are medically manageable. 

It is after the twins are born the real challenges to care for both of them surface. From the way both have to be breast fed, at three hours of interval, there are challenges for the mother. Normally with a single baby moth gets a rest in between the breast feeding as a baby would be asleep. Feeding both babies would take about an hour or more as against twenty minutes for a single baby. Thus the time gets prolonged while taking care of both babies. Often other members in the family would offer help in bathing babies and looking after the personal needs of the babies. Most twin pregnancies end up in delivering the babies by Caesarean section in which case, the mother takes about three months for full recovery from the operation. 

Most babies if born at full term of t pregnancy would be ready to interact socially by about three months. That is why a mother would find the experience more demanding and perhaps stressful. The bonding between a mother and her babies at this time is crucial for developing attachment behaviour. For this to happen, a motor herself has to be directly involved in the care of her babies. 

By the time the babies are about six months they are mobile in the bed and would soon be ready to move about by crawling to explore the environment. It is during this time both babies might have two different temperaments. One is easily consolable and the other is not so. A mother might get unsettled in coping with the different behaviour patterns of the two babies. One might sleep less at night and more during the day. One might feed well and adjust to three hour feed and the other might demand more feeds or feeding time. 

I have come across mothers beginning to show the strain of mothering twin babies when they enter to the sixth months of the babies. 

I have heard from some others about the way they adjust to this difficult situation. They hand over the upkeep of the home to someone else and stay free of that responsibility. 

From the early months of pregnancy some mothers help an older sibling, especially if he or she is less than three years of age, by getting help from the father of the child or another person at home. He or she gets the child used to another person to give bath, get the child ready, feed the child, etc so that this responsibility is fully taken over when the twins have arrived. 

The extra physical care of the twins when they are in the age group of nine months to one year is what would exhaust a motor as by that age they are awake most of the day time during the day. They might follow a different rhythm during the day and night, in which case the mother would need extra help to meet all the needs of both children. 

Many mothers resort to taking leave of absence from work for one year from their professional work, to which they are entitled according to the current maternal benefits offered by their employees.  

I have come across fathers availing paternal leave that they are entitled to, in some situations to be a buffer during this adjusting process. 

By about 18 month the twins are ready for more engagement emotionally, socially, behaviourally that some parents would use the benefit a dependable crèche close by to let children be exposed to a social environment for three or so hours each day. Most parents take turns to avail of part time jobs to tide over this period of extra demands. 

All children are with parents only till bout three years of age. After that they share the day time between home and pre-school.

This calls for greater vigilance to give children best of experiences at home till three years of age, for them to feel secure and safe. 

The first two years of  twins are crucial that both parents are to be  equally involved in giving them the experiences of stability they would need. 

I have come across parents seeking the help of neighbours during the week ends to involve tree children socially so that parents have few hours of respite form the routine they go through during the week. 

There are special circumstances when the twins are born pre-term or with low birth weights. They would need additional support. 

The department where I work has brought out a publication recently, which would be available for parents from 15th September, 2021 to observe the developmental process of children from birth to five years. The booklet is a simple to use to guide for parents to observe the developmental processes of children in the domains of vision, hearing, motor skills, behaviour, language, pre-school skills, sleep, etc.    

Taking care of twins is different form taking care of one baby!

I shall come back to discuss more about parenting of twins. 

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

A Beatle !

A battered flower in rain! But a Beatle stays on it!

One experience children in the pre-school years face is a battered environment!

Most homes area on an auto-pilot mode due to what parents have to juggle with several responsibilities. 

What I heard a three year old child whisper to his mother was, 'Will you have time for me to read to me at bed time!

I watched the mother becoming tearful on hearing this!

I heard the mother' story of having to do all the chores at home in the evening. By that time her son would have gone to sleep lying in the  sofa! She carries him to bed around 11 pm when she goes to bed tired and exasperated. 

It is sad to let a child go to sleep unattended! We increase the feeling of loneliness in pre-school children if they are left alone at that transition time between day and night! 

Most homes are at a edge on account o several pressures that come upon them due to the existential demands of daily living. 

Is it not true that young children who cannot make a fuss beyond a certain level for fear of getting punished, suppress their needs and suffer for want of what they look forward to each evening at bed time! To have father or mother beside in that transition time. 

For a child a day of activities come to eat end at bed time. Most children fear the evening as they have to stop their play and go to bed. It is beyond the capacity of a child under five years to think that a night of sleep is necessary for health and well-being. They like to prolong the day into night. 

During the interview with twenty-five  parents I met with last week, I asked all of them to find the bedtime practice fo their young children. The average time of under five children went to bed was ten pm and getting up at 7 am.! Although that was eight hours of sleep majority and interruptions during sleep.  

Most children who had interruptions were those who went to sleep on their own or resisted to go to sleep. 

Sleep time is a transition time. Most young children need help during such a transition time. Being with then at bedtime assures them. They let go of their desire to hang on to play more at night recedes form tis pre-occupation when they get private time with one of their parents when they can cuddle in the proximity of one of their parents. It is the same presence thy might expect when they get up to feel welcomed during the transition time to wakefulness. The in between times at bed time and getting up times are stressful times for children as they cannot fathom the details that lie ahead of them. If a family were to take a child to the  children's corner at home, rather than force the child for a milk drink which most children dread every morning, children might begin the day more cheerful. 

A beatle in a battered flower! 

A child in a battered environment of home!

Protect children during transition times! Moving from one activity to another for children is difficult. They require prior preparation and physical presence of one of the parents to adjust to the transition till they can think and feel on their own!

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

A broken Bud !

As I watched this bud broken and hanging in a slender support, I wondered whether it is a symbol of what happens to some children, who are developmentally challenged!

Most children who come seeking for help are children who go through difficulties which freeze them in the developmental process on account of what they suffered. Their circumstances have been difficult because of which they find the developmental progress difficult and demanding. 

To have been denied of all prospects of development because of what they suffered is unfortunate.

What Amazed me was, how the bud was still holding in a slender form, with the prospect of it becoming a flower. 

That gives plenty of hope for children and their parents because there is still life left in the flower bud to allow it to become a flower.

I have often come across this as a reality in many children. Amidst many difficulties which children might go through, what would sustain them would be the help they would find from their home and family. 

The professionals whom parents would consult would be another source of support for children; the teachers at school provide a link in the developmental achievement; the civil society has to be mindful of children and their needs.

A developmentally challenged child would need support from various places and people to be able to overcome the disadvantage they are through.

The child development of developmentally challenged children is a major concern in any developing country, as about 15 percent children born would have special needs!

A collaborative plan of action is needed for their development. 

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

 

Buds in Monsoon- pre-school education during COVID time

Monsoon is not a good time for most of the flower bearing plants. And yet most of those plants survive the monsoon and return to their blossoming life during the prolonged monsoon season this year

I was asked yesterday a question by Shalini, colleague in the place where I work, 'Are there not new possibilities for pre-school children, who have been looking forward to begin their schooling life for 18 months now'!

That set me thinking as children around three years have been denied of any experience of a school life, class room experience or the rhythm of a week-long schooling and the delight of a  week-end  at home. 

I have come across at least three alternatives which some communities have experimented in some parts of India to substitute for the missing link in the life of children, who were waiting to join pre-school. 

1 Neighbourhood Learning

I know of a group of parents who got the three year olds in their neighbourhood together for three hours in a day to meet for activity based learning  Each day, there were five children who met in a public place, in a church or  a marriage hall campus, with due diligence to follow all the COVID protocols. Parents or teachers, each day two of them, who did not have to go to school or other work place volunteered to be available. They were made ready to have a plan for each day, to allow children to explore learning with Montessori equipment and creative activities with paper craft, listening to stories read or with flannel graph,  learning from nature walk, narration of events from the experiences at home, etc. This formed the daily play based learning agenda.  

Children came for this outing with readiness and eagerness to be part of a non-formal learning process. It took a while before children got used to wearing masks and follow the practice of sanitising hands. The routine also involved having snacks in between the three hours. What children could not do was to be physically close or play games which involved physical proximity to each other. 

I heard from some parents, who were involved in this experiment that this experience restored the longing of children to be at school and gave parents an idea of how they could engage children during the rest of the day from the example of what was done for them in the mornings. 

The children were rescued from TV dependence and got introduced to a discipline of a routine, similar to what would happen in a regular pre-school season. The outcome was children were happier and parents felt glad for provision of a semblance of a pre-school experience. 

2. School initiated learning process

After the severe restrictions of schooling were lifted I know of few schools who allowed children to come to 'visit' schools once or twice a week for three hours in groups of four or five children by prior arrangements. At least two teachers were available each day. This voluntary option offered to parents to choose, became popular as most parents found this outing a valuable respite for children from being home bound. They met some of their friends and could have some informal class room experience of activity based exploration. Teachers entertained them with stories, nature walks, paper craft, activities to develop their hand-skills and co-ordination. They could even play with a ball standing at a distance from each other. 

During this time teachers allowed children to narrate their stories or draw or enact stories, none of which would be a COVID risk, as physical distance from each other could be maintained. 

The teachers who were starved of being in touch with children had an opportunity to renew the contacts with children and gave them an emotional connect which teachers looked forward to. 

The parents found this as an example for them to engage children on the other days when they did not go to school. The feed back  about this experience from parents, teachers and children gave me an impression that there are alternatives that we can continue to pursue even now when schooling is still a distant reality for a while. 

Children find a new identity when they can have an association with their class rooms during this time. Pre-schoolers are in a formative stage where trauma of denied schooling might be interpreted by children in different ways. I came across a child, who said, 'My parents do not send me to school because I am naughty'! How many three years old children can understand even a little about a pandemic and its adverse effects! They are used to thinking instantly and not laterally. What they miss  can be attributed to 'not being good enough to school'. We might not even sense that a pre-school child entertains such a thought in their perception. 

I wish schools would feel for children and do something soon to get children catch up in their growth by adding the schooling experience! How terrible for them to  have a prolonged denial of this aspiration to be at school! It is a void which they shall turn back to view as a lapse on the part of teachers and schools!

3. Community Home schooling  

I know of a hospital in rural Bihar, who decided to create a substitute for regular schooling for children of their staff, by bringing children together for four hours each day, by dividing them into three groups and parents of children taking responsibility in between their hospital work to be tutors to children. The stories of benefits to parents  and children I gather form this experience are significant and outstanding. 

The hospital got three of their staff equipped to offer learning support for children through on line learning mode. The hospital set up separate class rooms to accommodate five children in each class and continued the regular curriculum as per the school schedule. 

The staff who volunteered to help brought their skills for the benefit of children. They got children introduced to gardening, pet rearing, dancing, public speaking, story telling, cooking, designing, etc that children found this form of life skill centred schooling most amusing. I know of parents who do not have to be after children to get ready to go to school on time. 

The hospital staff who volunteered to do this got a new glimpse of what hey can do at home to enhance the creative instincts of their children. They spoke of a new consciousness of parenting they learned from this exposure to the educational aspect of their children. For children, it was an experience of learning where they discovered more dimensions than reading and writing. 

The introduction to self directed projects made a big difference to parents, as they learned how children can be engaged in areas of their interest at home.  

Parents also feel relieved that this form of learning by doing, experiencing and exploring inside and outside the class room, gave them enough inspiration, that they were not seeking to view Television during  every in-between time. 

 

Let me conclude!

I have a suspicion that adults have not yet fully felt the grief of children in being denied a  schooling for a second year! This easy option of on-line learning is a poor substitute to be fully depended on! At best it can be an adjunct to other forms of active learning. 

Where are the friends of children, who feel with children and be moved to find alternatives to suit children and not just adults!

If children do not get primacy of attention during difficult times and receive the best of the options, adults would be judged by history for their casual outlook to childhood learning during this pandemic season! 

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

The early years of the Only child, First Chid, and the Second child-1!

A family gives us many messages!

One message I discovered during my meditation is the status of children in a family.

The Only Child!

About 20 percent of families would have only one child from studies done in India. That child grows up in the family as a 'loner' having to search for 'sibling substitutes' elsewhere. An only child whether a boy or a girl would receive focussed attention from parents, sometimes pressured to conform to parental expectations. 

Boys by nature of being freelancers find the strands of formation from different experiences which they seek after. A girl by virtue of being protected by parental watchful eyes does not necessarily get the freedom to be exploratory in relationships and pursuit of interests which the family considers as good enough. The single child is without a companion at home. He or she would feel undefended when the parents are forceful on him or her. The desire to conform to what parents or teachers expect grows within them as a counter voice otherwise would earn them disapproval. 

A Single child can be suffering for want of space and voice in the crowded and opinionated extended family. Most children do well and pursue opportunities in life with a resolve. Later in the post adolescent years, they would want to cut the umbilical cord of control of parents and pursue freedom to choose life style and personal practices. It is here conflict of interests would arouse the hidden resentment towards the imposing parental style and a young adult would gravitate to choose to live his or her way. 

Single children would often want to make choice of life partner by themselves. They choose their profession or jobs to suit them and not in inconformity to what is told to them by parents. A single child lives with a sense of obligation to take care of ageing parents. I am not sure if they do it willingly or due to a compulsion. If a single child were to feel the pressure to migrate to other countries but restrained by the needs of ageing parents, the situation does not turn out to be easy for the couple or his or her parents. A daughter after marriage is obligated to her husband's people in some cultures; in which case a daughter would feel helpless in being of some support to her own parents.  

I have a fascination to study this situation and have formed some impressions of the trends that exist now. 

The First Child

The parental aspirations get fulfilled when the first child arrives. There are many competitors to take care of the first child. The grand parents from both sides impose demands, suggestions and directions for upbuilding a newly arrived child. I have a suspicion that it is the aspirations of the parents or grandparents which dominate the care circle of a child and not necessarily the different gentle requirements to promote the wellness of a child. It is one situation, when I observe traditions taking precedence over the reasonable golden rules of child care. 

A child grows up experiencing the fullness of a home and its environment. If father and mother work outside the home the child from six months onwards gets delegated to the care of others, which is a great disservice to a child. Even the government rules give the option of a mother to be available for one year to help a child through infancy. Later in the toddler years, the child is in quick transition to play school, by which time the child is not yet ready to spend four hours or more outside the home. 

A child gets shared between a home and a play group. A child might feel displaced and yet not being able to express. The odd behaviours of children at this period in life might be a symptom of fear, sense of separation or displacement or anguish. A child getting up and crying at night without  reason is another symptom of an early state of anxiety in a child who is facing too many transitions. 

Th growing up years for the first child can be easy as he or she gets attention and adoration. But soon this is going to be different with the news of the arrival of the next child. This happens in most home when the first child is between two and three years, when the child is already facing the displacement experience to the school. 

Most parents are at a loss as to how they break the news of the expectation of the arrival of the next child to their first child, so this does not get done till the first child, seeing the baby bump in mother's abdomen asks an embarrassing question, 'What is it mama'! Here again most parents fumble in telling the story the way a toddler might understand.  

A mother who was sensitive to include her first child in the preparation for the arrival of the second child told me that she took extra time every time to be with her toddler daughter to help her emotionally to prepare her to be warm towards her sibling even before he or she was born. A year later after her sibling brother arrived, the mother told me that her preparation helped and that there was warm and communicative ties between them. 

The first two years of the life of siblings matter a lot. The first child ought to feel anchored in steadfast acceptance and the second child ought to feel affirmed unconditionally. It is here the role of co-parenting takes a new dimension, with both parents getting involved in the lives of both children in a way that both children feel the nearness to their parents. 

I feel tired of listening to the stories of 'sibling rivalry' as it is misnomer to me. The relational adjustments the siblings go through are often the means for better bonding.  When there are concerns about serious impairments between siblings, it is more often due to parental insensitivity or partiality or forceful responses. 

Let me defer to elaborate on this later. 

The Second child 

The order of birth of a child is often seen in a hierarchical way in some cultures. The enforcement of calling an elder brother or sister other than by their names only reinforces this false privilege the older children claim to have in a home.  All children are equal and the best way to affirm that is by allowing children in a home to call each other by name. The true respect for each other rests in regardful attitude rather than in some false piety some cultures attribute to the elder children, by calling them differently due to cultural compulsions.

A second child grows up having to respect the older siblings in a way that is enforced, rather than being made to evolve naturally. Why is that a younger child grabs a toy from an older child and runs away! It is his or her way of reacting to the unpleasantness he or she harbours for having been forced to 'respect'  an older sibling more than he or she rightfully deserves to be  respected. 

A second child takes time to be a companion to the older sibling. A second child listens to conversations at home earlier than he or she is mature enough to hear and process them. A second child observes the way parents treat and regard the older child. A second child is a follower of the interests of an older sibling. 

Parents inadvertently allows an older child to have his her interests attended to, leaving the younger child to play with left over and old toys. A younger child might have to wait more than an older sibling to get his or her interests noticed. No wonder, a second child is often louder, insistent or demanding. The parents, an older sibling and sometimes others make the second child  to  be like that. 

Is it not common for public statements of comparison of 'how comfortable it was to bring up the first child and how difficult it is with the second child.' Teachers tell a second child that  'your older brother was better behaved in class'!

Let  me agonise with a second child, who is left to the loose talk of defaming and discouragement.

A second child in most homes is temperamentally different, but distinguishable by originality, creativity and innovative spirit. There is a need to promote these features by affirming their efforts although it might call for patient understanding of a second child. Parents need to defend a second child and promote the trend of originality he or she intends to pursue!

The Only Child, the First Child, and the Second Child need greater study and observations. I shall return to it shortly! 

M.C.Mathew (text and photo)

Formed by nature!

"I am a mother of a newborn. Some of our relatives mention to us about massaging the head, face and particularly nose, so as to get in shape as she grows. Is there any rationale behind this? As a Developmentalist, can you tell us more about the normal shape of head in babies?"

I received this question forwarded to me by Shalini, a colleague in the department where I work.

This question arrived at a time when I was considering an important issue of the early days of birds. Once they are ready to leave the nest, they develop on their own. The exquisite features of each of the birds in this blog are inherited and and not imposed upon them.

I wonder therefore if there is any role for 'external manipulation' of the head, face or nose in a new born. Baby forms his or her face as determined in the chromosome imprints received from the parents. It is a formative process which takes its normal path during the first two years of life.  Let me highlight five thoughts:

1. Bony sutures in the  face and skull ares so structured that they keep the face and skull bones in position to allow the face and head to grow to accommodate the growth taking place in the  Brain, eyes, ears, etc. The sutures over the skull meet in the crown of the head to form the anterior fontanelle which normally fuses by 18 to 24 months, This is connected to other sutures in the skull. These sutures do not fuse till 18 or 21 years of age to give the skull expansion to accommodate the growing brain.

2. The face and head acquire the shape and size over the first five years of life of a child.  The physiology of skeletal growth and bone formation would be the primary factors to decide the way the size and shape are determined. The extrinsic influences such as massage might have an intangible effect, when it is the bony growth that influences the shape and size, which are not subject to the extrinsic factors. 

3. However the positioning of the head during the first two years of a child would have some influence in the final evolution of the shape of the face and head. It is for this reason, we normally request parents to allow the baby to lie on the back, on the tummy and on either sides in turn, when a baby is asleep. If a baby is given a firm mattress and allowed a soft pillow, then placing the head in different positions, as referred to above, would allow the normal moulding of the head, according to the pattern designed by the sutures in the skull and face. 

4. Any external pressure by massaging alters this normal process of moulding by the forces that regulate the bone formation and moulding to accommodate the structures inside the skull, nose, ear, etc. Let me state that the growth of the internal structures form the contours and shape of the skull and face. The external structures of the face and head are for the formation and protection of the internal organs. 

5. There are  instances when the skull, face or jaw acquire unusual shapes, which is due to organic cause, which if identified, the abnormal shaping can be prevented. The levels of vitamin D, Calcium, Iron, proteins,  etc  in the body  influence the formation of the bones. 

Having stated the above, that the formation of shape and size of skull and face are physiological in nature and external inputs are not desirable, I feel that the existing practices of oil massage is so common in many cultures, that I am afraid to confront those practices. Most of these practices have their origin in Ayurveda, Naturopathy and other traditional health practices.  I do know much about the scientific rationale of such practices.

I come cross a crying child, who remains exposed to the atmosphere when an hour long massage is practiced. A child cries because he or she is uncomfortable. The adults with their forceful movements over the body of a child with their strong hands do not necessarily give a tender and soothing feeling to a baby. I have often though that a child cries and gets exhausted at the end of the massage, that he or she might be dreading that every time this is done. 

Allow the body to its formative process. The Chromosomal structure and the multiple physiological influences predetermine the shape and size of the head and all the organs located in them!

Let parents feel comforted that it is enough to nurture and not interfere with the physiological functions in the body. 

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)

Alone and looking ahead!

I learned from a bird behaviour something striking while watching this Magpie Robin in our garden!

A bird looses its family and is often left to fend for itself after having been nursed and taken care of as an offspring.

A child stays belonging to the family from childhood to adulthood. 

A family is his our her birth place, the nurturing environment and a home of relationships to belong!

How are we to be to our children! Are they in the centre of our thoughts ! If we are parents, how are we to be to them! We are theirs, who are called to walk beside them! They change us while we nurture them !

M.C.Mathew(text and photo)